Stefano Vetrolini

In the bucolic Oregon hilltown of Eugene, the Tuscan mafia rules with an iron, Drakkar-scented fist. Their army of be-spandexed enforcers patrols the peloton, meting out punishment and bestowing the occasional favor. Breaks live or die at their whim, and many a wheelsucker has foregone his turn at the front only to end up in concrete Sidis at the bottom of the Williamette.

Among these Tifosi of Terror one capo stands as the most feared, the most ruthless, the most hirsute: Stefano “Cuore di Vetro” Vetrolini. With gams as girthy as Genovese hams, his attacks are more relentless than the sexual advances of the cast of Jersey Shore during Spring Break Lake Havasu. His cruelty on the bike is legendary, as is his Collector’s Edition of the complete “Mama’s Family” series on VHS.

Those cursed souls who foolishly try to follow the Paisley Pain Train when Stefano is at the front are heard to plead, “Stefano, per favore! No more! In the name of the Virgin Mary have mercy on our legs! Look into your heart, Stefano! Look into your heart!”

Comes the cold reply, “I have no heart.”