Our new skinsuits are in in 3D. Like real 3D. That require glasses and everything.
You may have heard murmurings of something afoot in the cyclosphere. Something revolutionary. Something trans-dimensional. It’s no small secret that JVA has many specialists in our employ: Soothsayers, cat rustlers, hammock consultants, and advanced technical fabric imagineers. The fabric imagineers have been particularly busy as of late, and not because I crashed the Gresham high school prom. It’s new skinsuit time. And this time, it’s in your face.
First, some personal disclosure: Coming up with new kit ideas stresses us out. In the post-Cipollini era trying to do something new and innovative on the lycra canvas is somewhat of an exercise in futility. It’s like trying to invent a new sexing position. You can try to convince yourself that you are forging new erotic territory, but someone (probably Cipollini) has already done it. And they did it better than you. Now you just look awkward and derivative, your superior “wicking” properties notwithstanding (thanks, Pactimo!).
To belabor the metaphor, when we set out to design our new skinsuit for the 2012/2013 ‘cross season we had just one goal: We wanted to sex lycra in ways that lycra has never been sexed before. And at the risk of sounding haughty, I think we out-Cipollini-ed Cipollini.
For those of you old enough to remember land lines, you might recall when Jaws came out in the theaters. It was fucking awesome, because it was about a shark that got to A) peep some boobies, and B) eat drunk sea captains / lethargic boogie-boarders. Remember Jaws 2? Yeah, neither do I. Mind you, that was at the height of what my parents refer to as “The Sit ‘N Spin / Spirograph Years”, so I was otherwise occupied. But Jaws 2 was supremely forgettable. Waiter! There’s some yawn in my snoozeville!
So they came out with Jaws 3. It was in 3D. The tagline was, “Terror is the 3rd Dimension,” and it was fucking awesome. Yes, the script was technically Alpo smeared on a screen. And yes, it had Louis Gossett Jr. and the least-batshit crazy Quaid. But it fucking ruled. Because it was in goddamn 3D. And when that grenade exploded in the last scene and bits of 3-dimensional shark flesh rocketed towards my wide, red and blue tinted orbits with the violence of a thousand super novae, I was transformed. And I never Spirographed again. True story.
So what the hell does this have to do with us? Keep your pants on, Rushy Impatientkins. I’m getting to that.
With the cooperation of Pactimo Cycling Apparel, JVA imagineered an honest-to-god 3-D skinsuit. Simply don any garden-variety pair of 3D glasses and experience the magic of paisley cogs flying towards your eyeholes like so many bits of vaporized great white shark. JVA in 3D: Terrible Race Results are the 3rd Dimension. Coming soon to a race near you.